The Graduation Speech

If you absolutely can’t wait, here is the speech for Holli’s graduation. Enjoy!

Two golfers were out on the course. One was an atheist, and one was a Christian. Before every swing, the Christian would say a small prayer. “Dear God,” was all he would say. Needless to say, his score was very low, and after the game, the atheist friend asked what his secret was. “Oh, it’s simple,” said the Christian. “I just prayed, ‘Dear God’, before every swing.” The atheist began laughing. “That can’t possibly be it!” he exclaimed. “Why not?” replied the Christian. “Because,” said the atheist, “I said [expletive deleted] before every swing I took, and it just made me worse!” “That,” said the Christian, “is because God hates you and won’t pay attention to anything you say or do!”

[ pause for laughter ]

Fellow graduates, esteemed faculty, loving family and friends, and those appreciated others who have come to see us off: I am immeasurably proud to be addressing the who-gives-a-[expletive deleted] graduating class of Dakota State University.

I’m sure going to miss this place. NOT! Just kidding. But, honestly, we’ve been here a long time. Who would-a thought, way back when, that we were ever going to graduate. We are merely seconds from walking across this stage and never looking back. It reminds me of how things used to be…

[ stroke chin and stare into space ]

My wonderful fiance likes to say, when we’re filming his Internet TV show, Newsbleep.com, that, “There are three types of people in the world: those who pay attention, those who don’t, and I don’t remember what the third type was.” It gets a laugh like 40% of the time.

What makes attention so special? Well, for one thing, I gave this speech to my kitchen last night, and I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I am now. I’m [expletive deleted] bricks out here! It’s not because this room is eleventy hundred times the size of my kitchen, it’s because, suddenly, a lot of people are paying attention. The “who” of “attention” matters greatly. If that sexy Johnny Depp was helping me give this speech, I wouldn’t need that “Yo’ Mama” joke to get your attention. Of course, all his sexiness didn’t save that shipwreck that was Pirates of the Caribbean III: At World’s End. Am I right?

[ pause for laughter ]

“Attention” is the “currency” of “respect”, and I think I’m ’bout all broke!

[ pause for laughter ]

Picture a lion tamer with a whip and a chair, as the stereotype goes. As he cracks the whip, the lions around him roar with hunger, eager to attack but fearful of his technique. They picture juicy man-steaks, eager to tear the tendons and muscles from his still beating heart, devouring him whole. Now picture those same lions, that same tamer, but the lions are lounging in the sun, yawning, tails flicking carelessly, lapping water. A lion tamer is worthless if the lions don’t give a [expletive deleted].

As graduates, we’ll be given special attention today: on this very stage moments from now, after the ceremony with our friends and family, and in every job interview for the rest of our lives. Being a college graduate is a privilege that carries with it responsibility. Whether we realize it or not, we will forever represent Dakota State University in our actions and our words from this day forward. We are now a product of the attention that we have given and received, paid out and invested, and hopefully that will show through as we march off this campus to our new futures.

The past is dead and gone. The future is hidden and mysterious. Today is right now and that’s why they call it the present, because it is a gift.

Thanks.