Driving (And How It Doesn’t Work)

There is a new prose author currently in the collection. Check out : excelsior maximus : if you have time.
Also, collin has gotten a new site, so his link has been updated.

I hate driving. Quit looking shocked. As scared as I am of everything, you would think that propelling myself in a metal coffin down streets I’ve hardly seen before might result in a smile and a “Yippee!” of exuberation.

What are you, retarded?

There is nothing enjoyable about almost being dead every second you’re doing something. It could be that I’ve had more than my liking of accidents or that I’m pretty lazy, but I will do whatever (reasonably) possible to get out of driving somewhere. I walk a lot. I stay in a lot. I ask for rides a lot. I make friends, I meet people, everyone loves me.

My weekend’s automotive excursion was as exciting (and, oh, so much fun) as any I’ve had. This time I wasn’t alone. I had a goal. Much like Frodo and Saddam, I was put on a quest. Mine was to drive my cousin Brenna to my aunt Karin’s house so that she could get driven back to her little corner of Minnesota in St. Olaf. She’s a South Dakota native, so don’t hold MN against her.

Lacey: How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb in binary?
Me: *pause*
Lacey: 10. One to screw it in and one to know binary.
Me: *pause*
Lacey: Wasn’t that funny? I made it up myself.
Me: Oh, God.

The trip went mostly well. We listened to Radiohead on the way down. I didn’t realize that she was a fan and was happy to hear that she knew the songs and wasn’t just feigning enjoyment. I usually hear things like, “Radiohead? They’re weird. Kinda like you, you freak.” Yeah. That’s about right.

Then we got to Sioux Falls. My mom had given me instructions to get to my Aunt Karin’s. No problem. But I had a change of plans. I wanted to stop by the mall first and eat Chinese food. Brenna was game (and by that I mean captive) so we started to follow my mom’s instructions, but I decided to mix it up a bit. Like by getting lost.

Sioux Falls is a confusing city. I heard someone say, “No it’s not.” I say, “Shut’tup.” I could remember (from one or two trips to Sioux Falls that I actually paid attention on) that the mall was on 41st street, but 41st stretches from one end of the EARTH to the other, it seems. We found 41st street, the glittering street of hip downtown businesses. Except for the moment it was the half-dirt street of suburbian hell.

So… many houses… so … similar….

Brenna had a panick attack and we had to exeunt the vehicle so she could revisit her bowl of cereal from this morning. Some suburban kids began to approach us. They wore glittering clothing from Abercrombie and they had never seen a car made before 2000. I had to fight them off Brenna with a stick because they didn’t understand the girls without American Eagle clothing are not witches or criminals.

We got back in the car and drove down Bahnson. Then we got to Sycamore. Then we came back to Bahnson. “This can’t be right,” I thought. We were just here. Literally just here. I drove forward. No turning. The roads turned from tar to dirt and then back to tar. We ended up on Bahnson again. How does this keep happening?

I gave up. I called my dad. I pouted. I decided that there would be no Chinese for me (or Brenn) even though I LOVE Chinese and it’s my favorite food and YES I will marry it, if I can, so don’t even try to mock me. I drove us back the way we came. We were beginning to enter a dirty part of town. We were surrounded by way too many laundramats and mexican fast food places.

I gave Brenna the choice of a lifetime. “Taco Johns or KFC?” She chose KFC. Excellent choice, I thought. I normally don’t think of Taco Johns as being overly … clean. We entered the KFC were there seemed to be way too many Samoan people to be a normal establishment. I got the buffet, but, go figure, there was only one piece of chicken there. They didn’t hardly replace the food. The food was chunky and sludgey. That’s right, sludgey.

Sludgey

The food was fine, but the overall place was a ‘C’ establishment. I did get a gumball in the end, so I got that going for me, which is nice. We got in the car and we got going in the right direction. I had planned on us getting to my Aunt’s house at 200. We left a little early, but with getting lost we ended up at Karin’s house at 300. Ooooooo, woops. It was fine, though, because that was when they wanted to leave anyway.

I got some comments once I explained the situation. “You don’t know where the mall is??” *snicker* “Do you want to follow me out to the interstate, Miles?” *smug smirk* “Do you want some help getting back to your car, sweetie?” *guffaws* So, after some derisive but cordial ribbing, I followed Amber to the interstate. That’s right; I’m not ashamed to say it. I had to follow a woman driver. But at least I can say that I got lost like a man.

| We suck young blood. We suck young blood. |

Acting Is A Threat To My Health

You see this mark here? And this one here? How about these over here? Of course you don’t see them, but if you could you would witness the horrible disfiguring that “Fiddler on the Roof” has done to me.

I am forever scarred…

Burns

Abby, who was in the play, can attest to this. Several people became burned or charred as a direct result of the actions on stage. In one scene, the family is celebrating Sabbath. They sing a song called Sabbath prayer. A couple verses into the song, a troupe of candle-weilding freaks (i.e. me and three middle school girls) can prancing on stage with lit, flaming candles.

You can imagine what happens. Abby stood right next to me in this song. We would be standing there and my singing would either blow the candle out or cause the flame to snuff itself. Either way, I need a light and I need it bad. So I would lean my candle over to hers and take some flame. Everytime I did this, I managed to pour a good quantity of burning hot wax unto her hand.

We used candles for 8 nights. You do the math.

Bruises

If you know Heather then you know she’s prone to unpredictable, socially unacceptable behavior in quite social settings. She started what is affectionately known as the “Ass Slapping Reign of Terror.” This title is slightly misleading. HEATHER didn’t hold the reign. It was the guys that held the reign.

ASROT began as affectionate signs of affection and a means of inspiring that “Go Team” atmosphere that footballers love so much. It soon spread to the Russians in the play who are more than buff. These guys are Rusky Gods. When they discovered that hitting someone on the buttocks was okay by theatrical standards, they launched right in.

Laurie had a hand print and three welts on her butt the next day. Heather was equally flustered but less bruised. I, myself, enjoyed quite a lot of bum-touching, but I never got hurt. The only bruised I sustained has not been accredited to any given source, yet.

I’ll just say it’s from ass slapping.

Choking

I chocked Heather one day. It was great. She looked so helpless. I could have just squeezed her back to Jesus.

But just think about those kids without a mommy.

Abrasions

This, I can safely say, only Nathan experienced. Nathan Hoffman is a middle schooler. He also played a Russian, so you know he works out. In the bar scene, at one point, he collapses into a bucket and proceeds to empty his stomach of everything he’s consumed since breast milk.

In the next scene, we stumble drunkenly across the stage. During this one Nathan is drug from one side to the other. Since everyone is supposed to act drunk, no one bothers to get a proper grip on him. I can only imagine what being drug across a stage on your stomach with your shirt up at your chin is like.

Can we say ‘pink belly’?

Cuts

I can personally report on this one. My first story is a boring one. When the play was over, I checked my arm, and I have a cut. I have no idea where it is from or who gave it to me or if I can claim workman’s comp for it. I guess I’ll just have to test it out.

My other injury is a more colorful story. Colorful like blood, that is! Recover, Miles. This took place right before the Wedding Scene. In this scene Motel and Tzietel get married in front of all of us as we sing “Sunrise Sunset.” To set up the scene we all bring on our own benches.

I had already changed into my robes for the wedding and was standing there ready to grab my bench and head on stage. Nathan Swanson was one step ahead of me. He held two benches, legs out at face level, and then let his mind float through space. As a result, I never noticed what he held until it met my eyebrow.

The collision was enough to bring Nathan back to earth long enough for him to say, “Oh, sorry.” Pause. Oh, I’m okay Nathan. I was just nearly rendered blind or completely retarded for the rest of my adult life. Thanks for caring. I thought nothing more of the injury, except a dislike for Nathan, and grabbed the remaining bench and sat down on stage.

We sang and we sang gooooooood. Then the Wedding Dance scene starts. We remain where we were in the previous scene. Then the women of Anatevka come out and do this nice little dance, and we all clap and pretend like we haven’t been watching this dance all bloody week. Then the bottle dancers walk out. They act all tough and macho and then place bottles on their Old West style duster hats.

About this time I noticed something wet enter my eye. I wiped it away (am I sweating that badly?) and noticed that my hand was fairly bloody. Well, way too bloody for sweating, that is. I needed a plan. As the bottle dancers finished up, I pretended once again to care, and I got up to congratulate them. Once offstage I began a steady stream of cursing Nathan, blood, and Nathan’s parents.

I mopped up the blood, answered all the “What are you doing out here? Aren’t you in this scene?” questions, and figured a way back on. During one particular angry outburst (at this point the wedding has turned into Jewish Jerry Springer) I walk on and say things like “What is going on? What’s the noise?” Seamless and cool; most people didn’t even notice that I was gone. They did notice the mark on my eyebrow, though. To this day I have a bruise there and a scab.

Of course, this happened on Friday.

So, here I sit. Bruised, bloody eye. Bruised thigh. Cut up arm. And of course all the psychological damage that comes from hanging around the same people for too long. I hate you all. Don’t you dare add me to MSN or I will block you and then chop you up into tiny pieces. I will feed those dripping, steamy pieces to my snowblower and make meaty, romantic, pink-colored snow out of you.

I mean it.

| It|s holding on. It|s holding on. |

Nothing Funny Again

I thought about writing about the worse night of the play. I was going to recount all the horrible details of missed lines, painful disfigurings, destroyed props, and the conflagration (fire).

But I’m tired. So instead I’ll say this –

Visit my new Wallpaper section! Or else.

You can get to it by clicking “climbing up the walls”, at the top, whenever you want.

This Always Happens

My apologies to those who are new to this site. What follows next is a somewhat depressing reflection on the end of the play. Usually I write happy, funny things of wit and … humour. Go figure.

I’m quiet right now. Very quiet. I should be working on Linear Algebra homework, since we have a test tomorrow, but I’m not. I should be completing the take home test that is due tomorrow, but I sit here listening to Radiohead and typing up what should prove to be a wasteful parade of letters.

I’m quiet because yet another play is over and, with the closing of another theatrical display, comes the depression. It never fails. Large production or small one, every play ends with this sadness that comes over me.

It could be the endorphins. Acting gets me high. It’s like sucking straight O2 for hours. It’s like hanging upside down and then spinning in a circle for 10 minutes. It’s like holding your breath for as long as you can and then doing it again over and over. It’s that kind of high. So after 4 nights of intense high, maybe my body doesn’t want to let go. Maybe my body NEEDS it.

It could be the people. A lot of those people in the play I won’t see ever again. Like I told some of them, “Unless I start hanging out at the Middle School picking up chicks, this will probably be goodbye.” Not that the thought hasn’t passed my mind, but I have no idea where the Middle School in this town is. I felt this after the first play. I didn’t know Heather or Jamie at all before ‘Heaven and Hell’ additions. And now look. Just look.

It could be more than all that, though. It could be that the play is a living, breathing (the most clich� way to say ‘alive’) organism. A play is comprised of so many people : writers, directors, musicians, constructors, actors. Could it be that when a play ends, the thing dies? The people involved are severed from each other. It’s like going steady for a month and then having no contact at all. It’s like having the walk of your life and getting smoked by a semi truck. It’s like enjoying the trees on a glorious hunt until the back of your head meets a 12 gauge.

I don’t really mean to be so morbid. It’s just the things that come to mind right now. Future readers, be not disheartened. Go into my archives section and check out what’s there. Or enjoy Pizza What ?, Train of Thought, or Lessons Jack Beuer Taught Me.

In the meantime, I think I’m going to go do some homework, listen to Radiohead, and try my best to ignore myself.

| Pull me out of the aircrash. Pull me out of the lake. I’m your superhero. We are standing on the edge. |

My name is Miles. And I’m a thespian.

There is a new author. You can read the poetry of sammi on the poetry page. Go and read it!

Hi. As part of my rehabilitation program, I must tell people whenever I act. This is just such a bulletin.

Come see “Fiddler on the Roof” this week.

==================
April 10th : 800pm
April 11th : 800pm
April 12th : 800pm
April 13th : 200pm
==================

Tickets are $8 and $4 (I think), and we’re hoping to play to a packed arena. The musical is being presented at the Dakota Prarie Playhouse in Madison, SD.

If you need directions, email Miles Rausch, or call him at 605 256 5623.

I hope to see you all there.

MidWest? More Like MidBest!

Everyday I try to sit at a large table. I try to do this because having a large table compensates for something, and I like being able to pretend I have friends who are just a little late instead of all made up. This particular day, the day I’m talking about, I didn’t sit at a large circular table. Instead I sat in the cultural corner. You know what I’m talking about. If you stand under Big Ben, then in front of you is the “State-of-the-Art” Gateway Cafe. Which, besides having the worst computers you don’t need punch cards for, has no sort of cafe dispensing capabilities whatsoever. Anyone else notice this?

To your right you have the foodery and the “Other Corner”. Like pork is the “other white meat”, this stupid, undecorated slum of a corner is the “other corner.” No culture there, folks, besides that kind that grows. Maybe that’s why football players sit there. Oh, bad! Who would say that? You big, strong, angry football players can blame Jeff Gabhart for that line. I had nothing to do with it and my backspace key is broken. I swear.

Back in the Cultural Corner, I sat staring at my food. I felt syphoned off. I felt partitioned. I felt disengaged. I thought long and hard, trying to realize what it was. Then it hit me. Satan. Satan is the devil. White devil. Snow is the white devil. Snow melts by the sun. Sunshine. Sunday. We have church on Sunday. You go to church and you pray. Pray sounds like prey. Like a bird of prey. A vulture. A vulture is a bird of prey. Vulture sounds like culture. Wait. I have no culture. That was it.

Don’t YOU feel set apart? Don’t you feel like a loner? No, you don’t. Just like the high school-aged son of the ultra-zealous religious family who, despite his being a Junior, still bathes with his younger sister and doesn’t find it strange, so the midwest is an awkward, acne-scarred teenager amidst the more advanced cultures of the United States. Metaphors. I think there are going to be a lot of them in this article. I can feel it in my cockles.

The midwest has always been the cesspool of thought and idea. We have been discovered well before the West Coast, but you certainly can’t tell by population numbers (or celebrities). Maybe that’s why Lewis and Clark didn’t STOP here. Even back then, they could tell that there was something not right with the “Inbetween Land.” They tread lightly, spoke quietly, got drunk, passed out, woke up, and moved on. Why, oh, why didn’t our ancestors have enough sense to avoid this land? Didn’t they feel it in the weather? Seriously. Calculus doesn’t see as much change as our weather does in a “season.” (I am so geeky I scare myself.)

I think Clueless and Dark had it right. Keep heading west. To the west we have LA and San Franscisco. We have Hollywood and Compton. This is the mecca of culture. Everyone there drives big, fast cars. Everyone has a perfect tan, perfect body, perfect spouse, and perfect job. If you get tired of any one of those things, you can pick/buy/trade-off a new one. I hear that there is a special on Russian wives. Might wanna take a look at that.

Or you could head east. To the east is Ivy League. We have New York and Maine and Washington DC. These are areas of refinement. For instance, in New York they have refined the culture of hating each other and not bathing. In Maine they have refined the culture of asking Stephen King for money and the culture of asking him to write “just one more book” and to dedicate it to them. Even in DC there is refinement. In our nation’s capital they have been busy refining the culture of being mentally retarded on a global scale. You go guys!

That’s where the culture is. Hell, even head south. Texas has some culture, I’m sure. All those cowboys and cowboy hats and Mexicans. That’s gotta count for something, right? There’s also Florida down there. This is an area of cultural nuance. Texas, for example, has taken a cultural idea like pants and done a little number on it. In Texas, pants are called “chaps” and they are uncomfortable and tight and not real useful except for horse riding, which I don’t do ever. Florida has done it’s own little nuance. We call it voting; they call it “guessing.” That’s one butterfly you won’t pin down too easily.

The thing is about culture, do NOT head north. There is nothing up there for you. There’s North Dakota (which is the Special Ed version of culture) and beyond that is Canada. Nothing ever comes back out of Canada once it’s gone up there. I heard that “The Macarena” went up there 2 years ago, and no one heard from it again. And, come on. Anyone who is decended from the French has a lot to overcome as it is.

The Midwest has always been the last to get the latest “fads”. Did you know that no one outside of the midwest ever even listened to the song “Sk8r Boi”? That’s how fast that fad was over. Here, though, Avril still sings her heart out over the radio, and thank God for that. Remember pogs? That fad won’t even BE here until this summer. Some people gotten a jump start (Pog Hogs) but the real fad-wave has yet to break upon our misguided, sheltered shores.

Misguided. Sheltered. Those words seem to imply that there is ignorance abound. And, truly, we can say that ignorance is bliss. Being at the drain of culture isn’t so bad. We have a lot to look forward to (thanks to Mtv) and there are somethings we can still enjoy as only MidWesterners can. That applies to pogs; I can’t say the same for Ms. Lavigne.

| black-eyed angels swam with me |

Spictacular

I’m not sure how many of you consider yourselves artistic, but you’re not. You go here, don’t you? Or, to Converse. God, I hate that site. Did you see that April Fools post he put up? I totally fell for it. I’m so stupid.

But there are stupidder people out there. For no cost to you (but an internet connection) you can find a whole cadaver of bacteria-like art that writhes and squirms and generally makes EVERYONE uncomfortable, especially me. I mean, some people post really dumb things.

Floating from large section to section can be a long and arduous journey if it wasn’t for the host of quirky, stupid, lame or laughably painful artwork along the way. For instance there is an ASCII dancing ass that I found.

There are entire sections where you know that they didn’t start it for “the beauty of art.” Like Anthro. It’s basically Anime but the people also look like animals. Game is basically a cool, action Anime section that is based on computer games. Ansi is just crappy, hand drawn Anime. And the Anime section is basically an Anime section with a little more Anime. And we all know that Anime means cartoon sex. Don’t deny it, folks.

Then some people just have dumb names. I’m not a fan of overuse of numbers (especially “dirty” numbers) in any name. I also think that using a given year is dumb. What happens when that year goes by? There where are ya? Huh??

Here’s a short list:

Some people post very awesome things. Check out this little [ goody ] that I found randomly.

There are also some people with kick-ass names.

Here’s a short list:

This just goes to show how much fun DeviantART can be. You can awful and awesome artwork alike. The next time you need a good laugh or a sigh of complete contentment brought on by intense immaculate beauty, head over to deviantART.

Or I will get Dracula to suck your blood.

| Once bitten, twice shy |

House Partay

There are many rights of passage in our culture. When a boy discovers cooties, when a girl gets her first visit from Aunt Flo, when a boy gets in a car accident while going to pick his brother up at work, when a girl find the boy she wants to trick into marrying her. All of these are solemn occasions in America.

Another right of passage is the purchase (by legal or other means) of a place of residence without the aid of an “adult.” To paraphrase this, buying a college house. This is what Jeff, Carl, Brandon and I are going to be doing, hopefully. The thing is, that with a house come rules.

When it was decided (through careful consideration) that Carl and Jeff (and later Brandon) would be rule makers, it was also realized that I was the only one left. And so Carl, Jeff (and later Brandon) made a nifty list of things I am allowed to do and things that I am not allowed to do and things that I must ask permission to do.

This list came about when Carl would say, “Hey, Jeff. Miles is not around. Shall we have an important House Meeting?” and Jeff would say, “What?” and Carl would say, “Great!” Then they would basically assign all the fun things to them and all the painful things to me. Check out the lists they sent me by email (they won’t even TELL me the lists).

List A (things allowed):

  • Breathing, limited to moderate or shallow breaths
  • Eating what is preapproved by the board (Carl)
  • Drinking what is preapproved by the committee (Jeff)
  • Doing whatever the board or committee or the democracy (Carl, Jeff, and Brandon) decide

List B (things not allowed):

  • Everything, pretty much

Carl seems to come up with things on the fly that he thinks will become rules. He’s nice that way, to give me the heads up. Like:

  • Miles shalt carry either Carl or Jeff or Brandon up steps or steep embankments upon request.
  • Miles shalt chew either Carl or Jeff or Brandon’s food upon request.
  • Miles shalt mow the lawn. End of discussion.
  • Miles shalt *** **** ** ****** **** ** **** ** ******** **** *******. (damn * key got stuck)

Without Carl, I’d be breaking those rules a lot because I wouldn’t know that I’m supposed to do it. Thanks Carl!

I guess when I look back at it, I’m pretty lucky. I look at it this way, at least I can listen to “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” at 3 in the morning. Oh, new email.

Oh, great.

Maybe it’ll have to be [ this ].

| Baby got an atom bomb |

Hot Hot Heat

The funny thing about winter is that it only lasts about 10 months and then it’s spring. At least, that’s how it is in South Dakota. I hear of other places that have winter only 4 or 5 months, and I hear of other lands where snow has never touched the ground. Ever.

If only we were so lucky. Ah, but anyway. Anatevka is our home. Er, wait. No, sorry, wrong play.

The other funny thing about winter is that it’s cold. It starts off cold and it ends cold. You know winter’s gone when it’s NOT cold. That’s because winter is only cold and that is all. That is it – no more, no less.

So, to compensate people turn on heat. Makes sense, right? It does for me, now shut’tup. The room that Jeff and I sleep in (in a totally hetero way) has a heater like all the other rooms on this floor. Ours is located conventiently in this hole in the very back of my closet. I’m not even joking. It’s about as convenient and useful as getting your running shoes AFTER the marathon. It’s about as useful as guard rails at the zoo. Well, I guess those are useful, but damn if it wouldn’t be funnier without them.

This heat knob has two settings : off and volcano. The volcano setting would be cool if actual lava spewed out from the heat vents in the desk, but it doesn’t. And it would be cool if there were some varying degrees in there. Like, maybe, a luke-warm? But no. The tiniest inch counter-clockwise sends the temperature soaring. Within minutes the finer clothes burst into flames. Shortly there after, the liquids boil and the glass begins to flow. Soon the plastic on everything is melted down and soon there is a pool of super-hot liquid solids spilling into the hall way.

Now a days, (I do have a point to this), it has gotten considerably warmer outside. So much so that I have declared it spring (cue the song). So, as such, the heat in our room is straight off. The window is open. But that doesn’t stop the heat. No, it keeps coming. I rotate harder and harder to the right to shut it off, but it does no good. Someone, somewhere, has tricked our heat into thinking that it’s still winter when it’s not. In fact, the warmer it got outside, the more heat came dancing into the room. And I tell you what, I was dancing with rage.

I don’t appreciate waking up in a pool. I don’t appreciate waking up in Hell.

But I do like being hottt. (Rarr)

| You’d better bend before I go. On the first train to Mexico |

Climbing Up The Walls

You guys might not know, but I’ve been into making wallpapers lately. I am going to put them up on my webpage sometime (rather) soon, but for now I am just putting up these Iraq-related papers.

The first is called Shock and Awe:

Shock and Awe

You can download it @ deviantART [ here ].

The second is called Shock and Awe 2:

Shock and Awe 2

You can download it @ deviantART [ here ].

| I can’t believe that we would just lie in our graves |

Shock and Yawn

NOTE : missa has a new poem. You should check it out.

Also – I removed the “Shoutbox” area. Um…. apparently it doesn’t work anymore, and instead of figuring out what I did wrong, I just deleted it. I would like to thank steph for telling me. I went to it and, sure enough, clicking “shout” did nothing.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Catch phrases are important. They help to define an activity, a product, or, in this case, a Non-Official War. Look at all the great wars we’ve fought in before and their catch phrases.

  • Revolutionary War : Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death
  • Civil War : Kids, Don’t Fight
  • World War I : Do We Have To?
  • World War II : America to the Rescue
  • Korea : Let’s Just Call This a Conflict
  • Vietnam : The War Hollywood Loves to Hate
  • Desert Storm : Picture Outbreak Minus the Monkey Plus Tanks
  • Afghanistan : The Search For Bobby bin Laden

What’s this war’s slogan? “Iraq : Shock and Awe” Shock and Awe – the last time someone used that slogan they came out of the closet. I’ve heard.

What is with this war? It seems more and more like a high school production. It seems all overly dramatic and craptacular at the same time. Let’s take for instance the catch phrase. Where is all the Shock and Awe? I haven’t heard one word from Sadam going, “Wow, guys. I am at a lost for words. I am shocked and awed.” Maybe *shock* he owns a TV and heard/saw/read us coming. Kinda like Osama did.

But not only can Saddam see us coming, but WE can see us coming. Thanks to the Shock and Awe Webcam! Yes, just what we’ve been waiting for. A technology utilized and perfected in the dorm and bed rooms of so many lonely and/or hottt girls on the internet. See, what the news companies have done is to send the dumbest reporter they have. They put him in a hummer and they give him a video satellite phone, and they put the hummer right behind a tank, for protection.

The result is a series of seriously choppy, blocky shots of dunes. Guess what; Iraq is mostly desert. And if there was a topless girl in that hummer, I bet her boobs would turn out all square. Didn’t think of that, did ya, Fox News? The most exciting thing I saw, besides all the great Iraqi country side (sand), was a camel who stood all by his lonesome in the middle of it all. I’m sure he was confused. Oh, wait. Did I mention that Geraldo is covering this, too?

The only thing weirder than that is the Saddam “Body Double” hubub. I think those guys in the “Recognition Department” of the United States must have been tore up to think that maybe the Iraqi government dressed up another person as Saddam. A body double? How about a clone? That could be it. Maybe the Raelians have been up to more of their nonsense.

I think it really is Saddam. But look at the guy! I heard a comment on the news that after the initial bombings Saddam looked “shaken and stressed.” You think?! Gosh, I’d think that he’d be sleeping perfectly sound right about now. Just like Bush is. So, he comes out looking like he’d just spent a week in a Rave, and it’s the morning after, and he’s just had a Calc 2 final. Look at those glasses? Who’s he trying to fool? We all KNOW he’s not Bill Gates.

Maybe he’s trying the “don’t bomb me or I’ll hack you” approach. That might work in Iraq, but Americans play hardball, bub. I mean, just look what got us into this war.

I’m still figuring that one out. Why ARE we fighting this war? Well, I remember there were inspectors over there. Then, um, we said, “If you’re not careful we’re gonna take you out.” And now we are taking him out.

Am I missing something here? Or did I just make some sort of point? I can’t tell. But I will say this – you can support the troops without supporting the war. I guess, being Catholic, any war the Pope doesn’t support I can’t support either. So, I’ll say this, “Guys, come home safe. We’re praying for you.”

| god bless america |

There’s a War Going On

And all you people can do is sit there reading this??

Grab a gun and run to the border – let’s all help out!

That, and I am too lazy to write something right now. I had this big “Most Catholics are Fakes” post, but I got tired of it and I lost steam. I could just reprint a poem or something, but “Casio’s Dream” didn’t go over so well.

It looks like it’s new material for you guys. How about recycled email Forward jokes? Topic today? The French.

Have you heard about the French kamikaze pilot? He’s on his 23rd Mission!

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Going to war without France is like going fishing without an accordian.

and lastly

What’s a Frenchman’s favorite wine? “We thought Belgium was neutral!”

| I’ve got my philosophy |

Casio’s Dream

That night, like so many others that year, twinkled on the young ex-battle operator. His name was Casio.
The night cast a purple hue, as if the world was tinted deep violet. And this night, like so many others, Casio stood at the cliffs watching the waves, the stars and the horizon.

Tonight? He took another drink from the long, slender bottle.

No. He sighed and turned his thoughts to more important things.

“Now where is Gabrielle?”

She was in the folio, in front of the screen. The screens of this time are thin. Technology is at such a point that silicon wafers are 1 nanometer, or eight Hydrogen atoms, thick and super cooled to allow for circuits the size of a period (.) and the ability to compute out complex algorithms at near the speed of light. Thus, the screens are about 5 times the thickness of a sheet of paper. This is so that one could set a screen down and it would not blow away.

“Hi, Honey.” He said. He removed his shoes. Actually, shoes nowadays are really a type of supportive fiber optic spring that cushions your feet. There is one strap (since no one runs anymore) and the shoes appear to be more of a sandal than a shoe.

He crossed the floor to the fridge. The floor was warm, being heated by a snake’s pit of semi-conducting coils made of platinum. To decrease heat costs the coils are only activated by human pressure preset by the thermostat on the wall by the fridge. The fridge, well, not a lot has changed there. You still kill the environment every time you throw one out.

Casio opened the fridge and pulled out another long, slender bottle. He pulled the top off and brought the bottle to his lips. “Anything interesting on the screen?”

She changed the screen from the weather, which she was watching, to the cable input. She turned and, seeing the bottle, thought OhGodNotAgain.

“There’s nothing,” she sighed. She turned away so he could not see her tears start.

“But I told you; you won’t find anything on the weather screens or the meteor reports.”

“Then where do I look?” She was a little angry. She crossed over to the clock.

The clock is my favorite piece in their spacious (at least in that time) living room. The clock is built to mimic those of your time, Gabrielle or rather the antique, fancy clocks of your time. It is very gothic. Shaped like a Catholic Cathedral of old, it has three stories and 16 spires total. Adorning the windows and doors are 18 beautiful arches in miniature. Standing guard over the entire scene are 4 gargoyles perched like hideous, winged devil-dogs warning evil of the presence of God in such a hallowed place. The gargoyles sit at the front, rear and midpoints of both side of the Cathedral, pointing, respectably, north, south, east, and west. Slightly removed from the gargoyles are the spouts. These huge, gaping mouths of grotesque animal faces pour forth night’s rain, should it ever come. Inside were thousands of intricately carved and fashioned prayerful minions. They sat on a large number of pews, knelt in serenity and security, and strolled down the aisles. There was no priest. It must have been adoration time.

But look. The peasants move! That’s right. The mechanics of the clock are incredibly complex, and I have not the knowledge or the paper to describe the inner workings of this beautiful timekeeper. The people walk down the aisles, turn back, go to the pew, admire the brilliant stained glass windows, and respect the Blessed Sacrament at the front. As miniature people stuck in a time vortex, repeating the same actions anon unto eternity, these faint memories of the dedicated go about their duties obliviously.

On the front of the clock, stretching from the left corner spire to the right corner spire, was the LCD display. This showed the people what the time was. It also was the brains of the operation. Located inside the crystal display pad was a miniature hard drive and microprocessor. These two combined together act as the basis for the pilgrim’s movements, sometimes according to the date (which would show up if you pulled the North-facing Gargoyles head twice).

The clock struck 11:00 at night. The hard drive inside activated the speakers hidden inside the Cathedral walls. They played a beautiful concerto of symphonic music. As the music died down, a soothing female voice announced the time.

“I don’t think you CAN look. You’ll just have to trust me.”

“You mean your dream? Your unsettling feeling about Midnight? Who’s the scientist here?” she asked. She is probably not considered a scientist by your standards, Gabrielle. “Why can’t you just give me facts?”

“Honey, I love you. Why don’t you trust me? I’m an artist,” he consolled her. He is probably not considered an artist by your standards, Gabrielle. “I work on inspiration and emotion.”

She took the long, slender bottle from his hands and placed it on the table. Then she put his arms around her and he held her.

“I love you, too,” she looked longingly into his eyes, “but I’m scared. Scared that you’re right, with your emotionalism and romanticism, and that I’m wrong, with my facts and figures and rock-hard, certain proof.”

“I want to be wrong. I know what I have to do, if it happens.”

There was a pause of comfort. Then it was gone.

She whispered, “Hold me tighter.”

======================================

Casio woke up early, which was quite contrary to his custom. He was used to sleeping in until noon. Today, he was nervous. It was the day. There was no hangover this morning, surprisingly enough. There was a reason that his prediction had not shown on neither the meteorological nor the astrological charts. This was not an event of either category.

She should have been reading the bible.

He could not explain how he knew, but he did. It was a feeling he had. Moreover, it was, in part, the dream. That had really done it. The dream had ended with that day’s date. A lump rose in his throat. At exactly 11:59 that night, The Dragon would sweep exactly a third of the stars from the sky. At least, that is what he had dreamed.

He stood in front of the fridge with another long, slender bottle and let his eyes and mind unfocus and relax.

Gabrielle rose from the bed and saw Casio in the kitchen. Derivative, a sort of pet, came into the kitchen and joined them. Derivative is a special kind of creature. He is a robot. Derivative is built low to the ground as a sort of moving footstool. He (it) can also function as a calculator, Guard Dog, household encyclopedia, housekeeper, and family friend. The Derivative is square shaped. It has six wheels that stick out from the frame like the wheels of an off-road vehicle. Two latches on the sides allow one to open the top (which is the Derivative’s back). There is a keyboard and a display screen. This explains the ability of the calculator (a useless novelty) and the encyclopedia. Two input feelers (one shaped like a straw, the other like a box and connected lid both with cables retreating back into Derivative) are necessary for the other functions. You can place the first feeler into a liquid and it will scan for a number of poisonous compounds. Reverse wise you can put the straw into a liquid and it will tell you what you have. It goes the same for solids, if you use the box-lid device. It turns out to be quite a wonderful and annoying little gizmo.

Gabrielle walked over to her mate and kissed him on the cheek. The glass in his hand slipped out of his grip and bounced off the floor spilling its expensive contents to the floor. Thankfully, not much is made to break in that time. Derivative immediately floated over to the spill and began to suck it up.

Casio snapped out of it. “Today.”

“No, honey,” she consoled. “Not ever.”

He shook his head. “I’m going to town today.”

He always goes to town, she thought.

“When I come back, around 11:30 tonight, I want you to join me at the cliffs. We’ll watch the end together.”

“Alright. I love you.” He stopped at the door. He looked back.

He said, “Tell me that when I’m right.”

======================================

It was 11:30, or so the Cathedral clock showed. The two young lovers stood on the firm ground of the cliffs. Their sea front house overlooked a spectacular view of the ocean. That was all they saw, for there were no islands, boats, or wildlife out there. It was as though the world knew, or at least was wary of, what Casio knew.

Casio was scared.

“Casio,” Gabrielle said, “I want you to know that whatever happens, I still and will always love you. My only regret is that I found you so late in my life. I thank God everyday for you. Do you know that? Everyday.” They embraced. She could feel his tears on her neck.

“I love you more than life itself. From the time I knew this would happen until now I’ve been praying that I’m wrong, pleading with God not because of MY life, but yours. I would die for you, if it meant that you would live.” He kissed her cheek. They broke apart and he took her hand.

It was 11:55. The stars twinkled maliciously. Were some moving? Yes. The brighter, closer stars began a slow deliberate journey to the horizon. The stars got brighter and closer, but they also changed their colors. At first, they were yellow, then green, and blue. When they reached the color blue the stars became a wand with a long azure shaft and sapphire jewel in the tip. The sapphire became indigo and finally purple as it stretched longer and longer and finally smashed into the ocean.

There was a purple flash, and they saw a wall of purplish seawater stretch up into the sky as a ring of water the same color started towards them. Then, preceding the purple wave, came a sound wave. It rushed over the water at 346 meters per second. Like a wind, the sound blast brought with it a spray of warm water after it threw Casio and Gabrielle to the ground. They were wet and got back up. Casio saw the horizon as more stars went crashing into it, sending their watery arms up into the sky, their rings out at the world, and their sounds blasts likewise.

Casio yelled at Gabrielle to get into the house and seal it. The house still stood. If it had been constructed out of materials from your time, Gabrielle, it would have been faggots. She ran through the door and pushed the green button under the guard box. Immediately all the doors locked, all the windows shut and latched and the house began to sink. The outline of the house had been dug deep, 150 feet deep, into the earth and reinforced with Adamantium, an incredibly strong metal alloy. Gabrielle thought back to when Casio had requested this wholly unnecessary security measure and wondered if even back then he knew something. The house came to a stop and the lights went out. The only light came from the display pad of the beautiful Cathedral clock. The time was 12:15.

Casio saw the first ring of water fast approaching. Then he heard the metallic click as the metal plates sealed off the hole to his house and his wife. He stood his ground. He did not think he would die. In fact, he was sure that he would live on, that is what had happened in his dream…

The wave hit. The wave itself rose 150 feet over his head and came smashing down with enough force to shatter the house Casio had just sent into the ground. But, thankfully, his house was underground now. His Gabrielle was safe. That was all that mattered.

The wave hit.

At that second he was gone. Instead of killing him, the wave took him away from the world. He was pulled from reality and thrown into another world. A world of winter. Everything was white but a dark white. When he peered up into the sky all he saw was blackness: no clouds, no celestial bodies, nothing. He was in a forest where the trees still had leaves though those broad, green limbs of the foliage should have fallen off long ago. Piles of snow sat on the green grass (yes, he could see the grass in parts looking as healthy as in summer) and light airy flakes of snow floated leisurely from the sky. Then he saw before him an arch and beneath it a door.

He started walking towards the door. At first, his gait was paced and methodic. Nevertheless, he felt something in the pit of his stomach that told him to walk faster. He picked up the pace. Faster. Faster. Soon he was jogging, and then running. He got closer and closer. He was sprinting towards the door now, but it was not towards a door, it was towards something else. Towards… Gabrielle? Yes. Exit? No. Life? Yes. Yes. Yes!

Then he realized. He stopped just short of the door. That same feeling that had gotten him running had stopped him in his tracks. His eyes unfocused and his brain stopped thinking. He had his hand raised to the doorknob, but stopped it and dropped the hand to his side. He fell to his knees, but he was already down. He slumped over, but he was already on the ground. He closed his eyes, but they were already closed.

He died, but he was already dead.

The mind can be a terrible thing, Gabrielle, when faced with death. Especially its own. It is one of those devices that, being one of stubborn fiber, holds on to a pleasant unreality for as long as it can. Up until the last drop of blood rids itself of the gray matter and the brain finally calls it quits.

Casio, in those few seconds before his death, had pushed himself into a world that did not exist, and so filled himself with false hope and clung desperately to the little life he had left.

Gabrielle never knew this. When she woke the next morning, her husband was sleeping as usual, but something was different. She screamed as she realized he had died in his sleep. Just the night before he had been out stargazing, as if nothing was wrong, and then he was gone. She knew it was his drinking. That had done it. It was a tragic thing, but if one goes into town everyday and drinks himself ignorant and unfeeling, one cannot expect to live long. The shame comes in that his lover didn’t know this. It’s said that she cried for years, but that is another story. This one is about Casio. Casio who died, but he was already dead.

Hey Girl’s Name (er… readers)

I was walking to play practice today. It was cold. What do you expect? It’s winter. But, see, it was warm(ish) during the day, so it just follows that the night would be warm, right? Nope. It was “Tear Up Like I’m Watching Sleepless In Seattle” kinda cold. It was so cold that I had tears in my eyes. And it wasn’t because I was singing “I Will Always Love You” at the top of my lungs, either.

Well, maybe it was.

So, I’m walking. It’s cold. I’m crying. I’m singing. And people are staring at me as they drive by. And then it hits me: I don’t have a good addiction. I mean, I have the “intranetweb”. I have chatting and websites, but do I really have a good addiction? Do I really have any means of “getting it all out” and “letting it all hang loose”?

What are my options?

  • Drugging (pott, cocaine, fast food)
  • Chatting (done that)
  • Smoking (cigarettes, cigars, cigaweed)
  • Sporting (baseball, basketball, getting into my loft)
  • Crying (doing that)
  • Drinking (alcohol, sodas, blood)
  • Practicing Medicine (surgury, checkups, prescriptions)
  • Acting (more like acting interested in this post!)
  • Punching (people, pets, faces)
  • Listing (dumb things that aren’t funny)
  • Eating (shrimp, TC “food”, shrooms)
  • Accounting
  • Web Design
  • Or get your Bachelor’s Degree in any one of ten programs right from your home!

I know that I can’t do all of them (because Ozzy did. And look at him) so I had to choose three. Well, since i’ve already done the Chatting one, I’ll cross it out. I’ve had one experience drinking. It was supper. My brother got the great idea to have wine with our dinner. So he popped the cork (pulled it off and threw it) and we poured the biggest glasses we could find. Can you say “Big Gulp”? Well, you can’t with a mouthful of wine, even though I tried. So, I had to refill after I spit “Backyard Crick 2001” all over the table. I’ve seen TV. I’ve watched “Girls Gone Wild” commercials. I know that you’re supposed to race when you drink, so Bryce and I raced. Now, I had already had a mouthful of wine, so I had built up a greater tolerance of wine, so it was 30 seconds after Bryce that I passed out. When we woke up, we raced the second half of our cups, got tore up, and passed out.

Those were good times.

Crying is out because that is my current weekend activity, and it isn’t relieving the stress. I think I just make the rest of the guys in the weight room uncomfortable. Especially when I start taking my clothes off and asking for hugs. What’s left? Listing – I did that up there. Did you catch the joke? If you didn’t, I’m not explaining. I’ve acted before, and still act. I’m acting right now. I’m acting like I’m funny. I’m also acting like I know what I’m typing. See, I can’t actually read or write. . . hebrew. And, boy, I’ve tried. So, I think the three I’ll pick are smoking, playing sports, and practicing medicine (for time purposes). Let’s imagine a scenario.

[Interior of Surgery Ward]
[Enter two doctors with patient on guerney]
[Doctor one] Where is Miles?
[Doctor two] I don’t know. Let’s pretend he’s not head of surgery and just start without him.
[D1] We can’t do that. You don’t even know how to get to the spleen. How can you be sure you don’t cut some other organ out.
[D2] What about you?
[D1] I’m actually the janitor. I’m here to be the knowledgable one who has no working knowledge. You get it?
[D2] Uh… not really.
[In comes flying a basketball. It hits the patient, who groans, and bounces offstage. Following it, with a cloud of smoke following him, is Miles]
[Enter Miles. He is smoking what looks to be a 2 1/2 foot long joint. He’s wearing basketball shorts, a hockey mask, and dreadlocks]
[Miles] Hey, bitches.
[D1] *sigh* Oh, great. Look who’s here.
[Miles] Now who do we cut open? You? [Charges D2 with scalple]
[D2] NO! It’s the one on the guerney, you freak.
[Miles] Oh, don’t worry, rookie. Sooner or later, I cut everyone. Remember that.
[D2] Sweet Christ.
[D1] Are we gonna do this or what?
[Miles] Allright, I’m going in. Here [holds something out to D1] hold my watch. I lost my last one.
[D2] Are you serious?
[Miles] [Winks at D2] Ok. [Begins to cut into chest area] Is this right? Just kidding. Who wants dark meat?
[D2] [Begins to sob] You’re going to kill him!
[Miles] Isn’t that the idea? Wait, what are we cutting up here? You know, I’m hungry. I’m gonna go back and play more hoops while I smoke pott with this hockey mask on. It’s great for scaring kids in the Pediatric ward. Or the Geriatric ward. Either way, someone loses bowel control when I come at them. [He stabs his scalpal – which I CANNOT spell right – into the patient, who groans]
[D2] Pull it out! [Loses consciousness]
[D1] Stupid rookie. [Removes scalple] Looks like you’re going back to ICU [Wheels patient out again].
[Fade Out as Sports and Smoking sounds are heard]
| the system … is down … the system … is down |