Every reaches that age: adulthood. For some, it’s a matter of moving out of the house and into the big city. For others, it’s a matter of graduating high school and getting a real job. For still others, it’s marriage.
I am, I fear, on the cusp of adulthood. I’ve moved out of my parents house, I’ve graduated high school (and college) and have a job, and I’m on the path to getting married. I’ll be an awkward adult in no time.
Being an adult means possession. You begin to buy cool things like: cars, boats, computers, RVs, and living things. No, not SLAVES (haha)! I mean PUPPY versus BABY versus ROBOT.
There is no monkey because they are essential little babies that never learn to talk or to hold their bowels. There are no Ninja or Pirates because a pirate will only break your heart, and you don’t own a ninja, a ninja owns you. PUPPY can be substituted with KITTY or TURTLE or FERRET (if you dare).
PUPPY
Name: A puppy can be named anything. It can be made up word, or your favorite Lord of the Rings character, or a food. The truth is, the stranger the name, the better for the dog.
Age: Dogs don’t outlive humans. Our family has had patches since Bryce could actually fit into that purple Big Stone City shirt he wears all the time, but a number of our other dogs have died since then. The truth is, if you buy a new dog when your old one dies, you can have almost a dozen different dogs in your lifetime.
Financial Cost: Some dogs can be up to $1,000, plus dog food and grooming (if you go that route)
Emotional Cost: People get very attached to dogs, but they are just soulless fur shells
In case of emergency: Call a vet! But you can probably let it slide a few days.
In case of death: Cry, bury it in the backyard, and buy a new one.
BABY
Name: WARNING! What you name a baby can and will come back to haunt you. By no means should you apply BABY or ROBOT naming conventions to human children. They will either grow up hating you, or everyone else they meet will. Pick those standard names that everyone else uses: religious names, names of other family members, or names of famous people.
Age: Babies live a lifetime, literally.
Financial Cost: Pretty high. Not only is there a high initial cost (birth), but you pretty much pay for everything until they become 25 or so. This can add to millions of dollars.
Emotional Cost: Also pretty high. Most people are more attached to children than to pets. This is not always the case, sadly.
In case of emergency: Call a doctor. They’re good at that stuff. There’s even a version of doctor specific to babies called a Pediatrician.
In case of death: You’re screwed. Hopefully, you’re sad, and, hopefully, you’re not the cause of death. That’s call murder or infanticide, and it means jail time and angry emails. DO NOT CAUSE THE DEATH OF A BABY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
ROBOT
Name: Anything. Typically something that triggers an emotion: gizmo (light-hearted happiness), R2D2 (cold indifference), or DESTRUCTOR (violence).
Age: As demonstrated in Futurama, a robot can live to be infinity years old. A robot will out live you, if kept in good condition. That’s a frightening feeling.
Financial Cost: Not bad. Robots can be pretty cheap, it just depends on how complicated and self-relient you want the robot to be.
Emotional Cost: Also, not bad. It’s hard to get too attached to a robot. I have a MacBook. I love my MacBook, but if it suddenly died, I’d toss it, give it to Holli (and not tell her it’s broken), or sell it on eBay (and say that it’s broken, but in a little font). Then I’d buy another one. Easy come, easy go.
In case of emergency: Call an engineer. A computer scientist might be helpful, too, but if it’s a major problem, you’ll want an Electrical Engineer or a Mechanical Engineer (like Tony!).
In case of death: Scrap it, use the money to buy a new one, and go on with your life.
That’s the score – which one do you choose: PUPPY, BABY, or ROBOT?
